Changing your reaction from heated to humor as you take control of your thoughts. Have you ever noticed what happens when your buttons are pushed? It’s a common occurrence that can create a huge issue, or it can be something that kind of makes you smile and gives you a little information about what is going on in a relationship.
I find myself in situations from time to time where I don’t think that the person I’m having a conversation with is listening to me. This phenomenon is really a challenge in a marriage. I love to cook, and sometimes it is true: my husband looks at me like I have three heads if I discuss anything about food other than, “are you hungry?” “Have you had enough?” We have learned, slowly and a bit painfully, to leave food discussions alone.
I grew up in a large family, and it was a rough and tumble existence to be heard at the dinner table, or to have any special time with a parent or sibling. Acknowledgement that what I’ve said registered always gives me a little more comfort. In our early married days, my questions about food which were designed to discover preferences were met with an assumption and remarks that indicated that I didn’t have the skill to prepare a meal. My fury was not far behind.
After some soul searching, and a little prodding from my coach, I realized that the real issue was that I did not feel heard and was responding from a place long ago where the “not heard” button was installed. My original thought was either, “He isn’t listening to me and I don’t feel appreciated,” or “He isn’t listening to me and I’m going to pay him back.”
The good news is that I am in charge of my thoughts, and no one else. I tried on, “he doesn’t enjoy talking about food the way I do, I’m going to talk to my friend about this recipe.” And now, when I mention food, and he looks at me like I have three heads, we laugh – that I mentioned it again, and that he still can’t relate.
This is an example of an issue that often does run very deep. What happens when the issue is about your kids, or the details of the divorce? The solution is the same. When your buttons are pushed, look at the thought that precedes that uncomfortable victim or angry feeling. That thought is what is leading you to your feeling. “They” aren’t pushing the button. Your thoughts are actually the button pusher, or the allower of button pushing. No one can make us think a certain way. And we can stop pushing the button by changing the thought.
It may be easier said than done. The first step is to catch or find the thought that precedes the hurt or angry outburst. The second task is to change the thought to something that recognizes that you are in charge.
Which of your buttons are getting pressed? What thoughts will you change?
Post written by Mary Burns Hoff.
