By Lisa Brick
I am a divorce coach. Often I witness profound realizations and shifts in thinking by our clients. I received the communication below via email after a coaching call in which Robert shared the pain he was experiencing since he and his wife separated. After our call the reflections, projections, and pain he shared and the safety and support he felt while sharing them inspired the following insight for him:
“After our talk about the nature of reality – past, present and future, an image came to me as I was laying in bed. I’m standing in a shallow river with a moving current and the question that arose was, “Where and when is the water touching me?” The answer that came to me was “The water that is touching me is here — and when it’s touching me is now”.
I admit that I haven’t fully grasped the concepts that I am expressing and therefore, may not be as lucid in my sharing as I would like to be. Please bear with me.
I’m not denying that the water downstream didn’t touch me or doesn’t exist. This is the past, all that went well, and all that went terribly, what we did to each other, to the kids, and to ourselves. I’m not denying that there is water upstream heading my way that will have a significant impact on me. This is the future, the financial impact this divorce settlement will have on me when I thought I was set for retiring, loneliness, the insecurities I am facing even considering dating, and the fears I have about any relationship turning into a nightmare. Yet the water that I’m experiencing right now in this present moment, can only be, has always been, and always will be the water that is here right now.
This analogy is also showing me that I can’t do anything about the downstream water – it has already passed me by. I can’t do much about the upstream water – when it gets to me it will be colder or warmer, rougher or calmer, but the concept that I can really control it seems far-fetched, especially now that the house of cards I invested the last 35 years of my life making has come tumbling down. .
In any case, what this does is point to the present — right now, today. The question I am asking myself is, who do I want to be right now and today? What do I want to create? Rather than wallowing in fear, resentment, and anger or pretending it isn’t there, how can I bring compassion and “loving-kindness” to myself in this moment, the next, and the one after that?
The “I’m right and you’re full of sh*t, I’m getting screwed so I’m going to screw you too, it’s all your fault”, etc. has been killing me. If I am totally honest I see how we both created this unsatisfactory relationship, I played my part. She played hers.
I am ready to learn how to create something else, something easier and more pleasurable now, for me and those around me. It’s been a rough journey getting to this moment, here and now.
Perceiving life thus provides a way for me to disentangle myself from the past that I can’t alter and the future, much or all of which is beyond my control.
Now I can step outside of the world of “attachment” or being “hooked” as Pema Chodrun (http://pemachodronfoundation.org/) calls it, attached to regret over what happened in the past or hope, worry, or fear that the future will not pan out the way I think it ought to.
I don’t want to live my life in the world of regret, fear, resentment, hope, and longing. I want to “be here now” so I can appreciate the water for what it is, right now, right here. As I do this, I realize – the water’s fine.”
Divorce is not an easy path to personal growth yet it is a powerful one. I celebrate that this human being has come to the place where he has thrown off the mantle of victimhood, taken responsibility for the ways he had been being that sabotaged his happiness without him realizing it. He is making the shifts to slow down and listen deeply to himself and others, give up needing to be right and making others wrong, be self-expressed along the way so what’s important for him to say doesn’t explode after being held inside, be kind, and be clear when there are irreconcilable differences. He gets it that trying to be who he isn’t or make someone else into who they aren’t, creates anger and resentment and a lousy situation for all involved.
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Lisa Brick, Journey Beyond Partner
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
