If you haven’t had a chance to read Part I of The Dysfunctional Dance of High Conflict Marriages, make sure to read it here before continuing.
The tendency to feel abandoned by those who a codependent cares about is typical.
The fundamental problem is that codependents abandon themselves and then attract others who do the same to you and move in to manipulate and mold you to serve their ends. No matter how much is given or effort invested, nothing is sufficient. The codependent is not loved or appreciated not because love and appreciation are not deserved but rather because the codependent does not love itself. The codependent abandons his/her needs for another who neither respects nor appreciates the devotion.
When we abandon ourselves others accept the sacrifice as long as we are useful to them. They appreciate us not for who we are but for what we do to serve their needs.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”
Self love deficit disorder or codependency is a deficit of love, respect and caring for the self. We give ourselves away in the hope that others will love us. The type of person who we attract with this sacrificial approach to relationships is endlessly capable of receiving yet incapable of reciprocating yet we stay in the relationship thinking it’s our deficiency. We try harder and harder to earn love from someone who can’t love the way we want until we are empty.
From Dominated to Disengaged – A New and Healthier Dance Step
Boundaries are an Essential Part of Healing from Codependency.
Both the codependent and narcissist have problems with boundaries. Most codependents I have worked with were not raised with boundaries, cannot explain what boundaries are, and do not understand the value of boundaries.
Once you learn how to set boundaries, expect that the narcissist will not respect your boundary. It is up to you to have a strategy to uphold your boundary by changing YOUR behavior, not engaging the narcissist to change his/hers. The lesson is to learn to set a boundary to protect yourself and to uphold that boundary with natural consequences. You can choose to leave the house, call the police, change your password, etc. The hard boundary provides the narcissist with a consequence for crossing the line, the only thing he/she may respond to. Establishing and enforcing boundaries is your power. Without them you have no effective way to exercise your power and will be easily mowed over.
You must detach if you are to exercise your power. Engaging with the narcissist is a slippery slope back to insanity. Create a mantra and hold onto it (another form of a boundary). No matter what they say, stick to your mantra and walk away. Listen to our JBD Divorce Recovery Series, Step 1: Curb the Conflict, Create Space, which will help you in changing your deeply rooted behavior of trying to reason with the narcissist.
Listen to our podcast on Divorcing a Narcissist: The Personality Disorders and Dysfunctional Dance of High Conflict Marriages, in order to learn about Ross Rosenberg’s other strategies that are part of his Self Love Recovery program.Have you had a chance to listen to our podcast?
