Guest post by Wendy MacKay.
Raising teenagers can seem overwhelming for any parent, even in the best of families. Single parents often feel like they’re walking a tight rope with no safety net, balancing words and actions while communicating with their teen. Even if there’s a step-parent to lean on for support, teens can be up, down, here, there and nowhere all at the same time. Moods can swing like monkeys in the jungle. Parents never know what to expect or how to approach conversations.
Teenagers also feel they’re alone on the battlefield. Often they don’t understand why their emotions are all over the map. They say things they regret but aren’t willing to apologize for. When confronted they feel challenged and immediately are on the defensive. They want to have love and security and be playful while needing to act maturely. The child within them is torn between the adult they’re becoming.
If you’re a single parent dodging issues with your teen, or questioning your parenting skills you aren’t alone. If every parent were honest with them selves I’m sure they’ve all had moments of doubt and anxiety.
This is a time when communication skills are essential. It’s a time when patience can be tested one minute, and the next second you’re going down a completely different trail. It’s a time when having support and guidance from a third party can really make a difference. When you’re in the middle of the situation you can’t see the forest for the trees.
Are you, the parent feeling confused, angry, overwhelmed, tested, challenged, invisible, ignored or all of the above? If yes, you are normal! Tell yourself “this too shall pass” and more than ever trust in your parental instincts. Don’t second guess your self. Mistakes will be made. Apologize when you need to, forgive often and appreciate the fact that within time it will all be in the past.
Do you have doubt as to your ability to cope?
Do you question whether or not anything you say was heard?
Depending on how many children you have, know that this is likely the most difficult stage of parenting, and yet it can be the most rewarding.
Definite guidelines, well thought out clearly defined rules with specific consequences are essential. There will always be situations that arise which were unexpected and may not fall under the guideline but when you are clear on the majority of rules you’ll be able to quickly switch gears and think clearly when surprises are dropped on you.
Here are some suggestions:
Have routine time set aside weekly to review and connect with your child (or children). This is when all parties participating must be fully ‘present’, no cell phones, distractions or interruptions allowed. It’s a good idea to have a plan for these discussions such as:
- Have an agreement that there’s no interrupting one another.
- No blaming, criticizing, condemning, judging or complaining.
- Respect and listen to one another.
- Have at least 3 things each you want to share that you appreciate, are proud of, or noticed that was positive since the last meeting.
- Allow space for issues of concern. Open discussion with positive brainstorming or suggestions that are constructive are allowed, but nothing negative.
- Find at least 3 things you want to put forth as an intention for yourselves. Agree to support one another to achieve their goals.
- Know who the friend of the day or week is, how to contact them and their parents.
- Know who the teachers are for different classes. Establish a relationship with them if the school has an open door policy.
- When you have open communication with friends, parents, teachers, peers, mentors and your ex when things are going well. This isn’t showing a lack of trust, it is showing responsibility as a parent that in any case of emergency you are fully aware of how, when or where to start contacting those who matter most.
As a parent of a teenager it makes a big difference when you know how to ask inspiring questions to empower your child. Keep under tones of any judgement out of the conversations as they only serve to either shut down the discussion or cause an argument. Allow your teen to learn from their choices. They are young adults in the process of discovering what their purpose in life is. You are their guide, there to support them when they need you, but allowing them to mature and grow. When they know you are always there with an open heart and mind, loving unconditionally they will rely on you when they need you. It’s a fine line to walk, but when there’s love and respect with clear rules and guidelines that have been established it’s time to sit back and allow them to grow up. Trust, respect and responsibility should be a given and established in the early childhood years. Enjoy parenting and remember to always take time for yourself.
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To read from Wendy, please visit her website at http://www.wendymackaycoachinginc.com/
