Guest Post: Steven Cessario
Yes? No? Maybe? Kind of? Do you even know?
Fear-based parenting means you’re coming from a place where you are afraid of what can happen.
If you’re displaying fear based-parenting you probably have anxiety about your kids growing up, going out with friends, expect your teen to do stupid and obnoxious things, will never get their act together and needs to get better grades or they’ll never be successful.
Raise your hand if you feel this way!
Your teen might ask, “Hey mom can I go to a party Friday night?”
What’s your first reaction? Maybe it’s a quick image of your son drunk and falling over or smoking pot with friends. Maybe you’re imagining your son is talking to a girl and might have unprotected sex.
The point is, some parent’s thoughts go straight to negative thinking, envisioning a scary, drug induced night of free for all sex. Basically, expecting the worst.
Where is this coming from parents?!?!
My guess it is stemming from a long chain of generations of worry warts as parents.
Think about the days when you were young and wanted to go out with friends, explore, and be independent. Were your parents or one parent in particular always worried or always said…
“You can’t go because you’ll hurt yourself.” “You’re not old enough.” “You better not drink!” “I hope you’re not having sex.” “You better be good”.
Do you think saying these things will help you and your teenager develop an honest and mature relationship? Deeeffinitely not. What these statements do is tell your teenager you don’t trust them and expect them to do “bad” things. And if you are a fear based-parent, you probably already noticed when you expect the worst you get the worst.
So what to do!??
Try some positive thinking and actually instill some trust into your teen. Truly think they are becoming young responsible people and you’ve raised a mature and trustworthy person up to this point.
Teenagers are exploring and trying different things all the time and it is inevitable they will come across drugs. The best thing a parent can do is exemplify a healthy and balanced lifestyle. Teenagers also do have sex and educating them and making them comfortable about being responsible is key. If they don’t want to talk to you, which is quite possible, find someone who they will talk to. Such as a mentor or coach.
Most importantly, create dialogue with your teenager. Talk to them, listen, be sincere about questions, and be open to the ideas they have which are probably different than yours. But, this is easier said than done.
Lastly, take care of yourself. It’s the best way you can help yourself and your teen thrive. And if a parent has anxiety and a lot of fear-based feelings, then it’s probably a good idea to find support of some kind.
Being a parent isn’t easy and there isn’t a step by step manual to guide you through it. However, if you have an open mind, and you’re willing to learn, and from others, you will be successful.
Steven Cessario is the founder of CT Youth Mentoring & Coaching.
He is a sought after mentor and coach for teenagers, having 8 years of in-depth experience with young people. Steven has spoken for various radio shows, acting as a progressive voice on parenting teenagers and youth programs in CT. Steven also regularly speaks for the Women’s Independent Network about supporting children through divorce.
Contact him at www.ctmentorandcoach.com
