By Lisa Brick
Over the years it has become clear that there are powerful connections between marriage and divorce, hope, expectation, and intention. I come clean upfront. I am not a fan of hope or expectations. Many of our divorcing clients share a similar story; they hoped they could have reconciled with their spouse, their marriage would have turned out differently, their spouse would see the fallacy in his/her thinking and change his/her ways. They expected life to be different, their spouse to be someone other than he/she turned out to be.
Hopes unmet and expectations unfulfilled lead to painful and often devastating results in relationships.
There are a number of other approaches to relationships and divorce that are healthier than hope and expectation. An approach that our clients have found highly effective and significantly more rewarding is utilizing intention .
“Hope” is defined as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen” as well as “wanting something to happen or be the case”. Hope is passive. Hope leaves the outcome desired with mysterious external forces.
For a long time one of our clients hoped her spouse would change as a parent and financial provider. She did not approve of his choices, criticised him for his failures, and resented his lack of enthusiasm. As long as she hoped or expected he would change out of her “guidance” or disapproval and saw no change, the more convinced she was of the necessity of divorce.
“Expectation“ is a “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future”. Expectations come loaded with judgements; shoulds, shouldn’ts, right, wrong, good, and bad. They are assumptions about how reality “should be” mistaken as fact. To expect is to put the power of creation outside of one’s responsibility.
Expectations ran rampant with this client and because of this, she was angry at EVERYTHING!
“Intention” is defined as “a course of action one intends to follow” and “an aim that guides action; an objective”. Intention is active. Intention is creative. It assigns considerable responsibility for the desired outcome to the individual intending.
That same client, once she created an intention of economic prosperity for her family and a positive supportive coparenting relationship with her spouse, designed an action plan that included acknowledging her spouse for his parenting contributions although they were not how “she would do it” and supported him in seeing his strengths in the face of his “failures”, The eventual outcome was a lift in his spirits and enthusiasm, a family business which is turning around, and a healthier and happier relationship. They have been closer and happier than they have been in decades. Divorce is off the table.
Intention has an immense impact in situations when a marriage is beyond resuscitation as well as when a relationship is simply on the skids and can be rerouted. Too often powerful intentions are used to the detriment of the divorcing couple or family. The intention may be to make the other suffer, to punish him or her for the pain being experienced and the social, emotional, and financial security lost. While these powerful emotions are understandable, when individuals act out of a desire to punish, pain and suffering are perpetuated.
When intention is used in this way the parties involved get increasingly locked into their positions, the pain, confusion and uncertainty for children and extended families is prolonged, and vital resources are squandered in legal bickering.
Intention can be used to accept what is, surrender judgement while retaining clarity, and create the best possible relationship with the ex going forth, especially when children are involved.
Another client, in what has been an extremely contentious divorce, is using intention to create a warm inviting home for his newly formatted family and achieving as equitable a divorce settlement as possible. Now that his intentions rather than his hopes or expectations are informing his actions he is finding increased peace, clarity, efficacy and pleasure even during the process of working out their agreement.
Whether it is your relationship, marriage, or divorce, how would it benefit you to leave hope and expectations behind and utilize intention to be more focused and powerful in creating the best possible outcome?
P.S. Don’t do this alone. Click HERE to stay up to date, and let us help you ‘Journey Beyond’ in to the life you want to live!
Chief Visionary: Karen McMahon
My passion is to help men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. Our work together will open up the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
