By Karen McMahon
Many of us who have faced divorce lived with shame or guilt around the secrets hidden behind our front door. Welcoming outsiders in to see the insanity you have been living with offers a treasure chest of possibilities.
“We are only as sick as our secrets” ~ Alanon
How very true is this statement. I was raised in a family where you didn’t ‘air the family laundry’. You kept quiet about dad’s drinking and mom’s raging and about all that went with it. In my marriage, my ex’s propensity was to overspend and partake in unhealthy behavior, to rage and bully and my reaction was to shrink into a shadow of my former self, allowing what felt wrong and feeling insane. This all occurred behind a white picket fence in a beautiful English Tudor with new cars in the drive. Beneath the lovely facade of our lives was sickness and decay.
When you begin your divorce you may open your world to your attorney, therapist or coach, school social worker, law guardian or forensic psychologist and perhaps even CPS (Child Protective Services). At first you may be filled with fear, shame and foreboding as your secrets are revealed. Then something wonderful happens and you are acknowledged for the insanity you have been living with. Others immediately recognize what you thought no one would ever see (because he or she so very good at disguising their unacceptable behavior).
Let the light shine in! When healthy professionals are welcome into a world that you have been coping with, that on some level you knew was terribly unhealthy, you begin to breathe again. The fresh winds of spring begin to blow through your home, mind and heart and the seeds of something better are planted. It is hard to turn back and close the shutters and doors once you have experienced this.
I have had so many clients tell me how their spouse was so good at hiding their addiction or psychosis or abuse. They were so certain that he or she was going to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes…including the judge. They knew they were doomed to be the only ones who really knew the dark side of this person. They deemed themselves powerless and their spouse powerful beyond measure. Then they let the world in and what happened surprised them all. Everyone ‘got’ that person. All the professionals and many of the lay people were able to see through the charisma, charm and polish to the unhealthy attitudes and behaviors that lay beneath.
If you are struggling in a relationship where unacceptable behavior, abuse, addiction, control, condescension, berating, belittling, or manipulating is happening, I encourage you to throw open the doors and let the light in. Step out of your fear and discomfort and know that once you shed light on your private hell, reveal your shameful secrets, the healing begins. You will find support and encouragement in the acknowledgement and validation that come from those who you let in.
The other thing that happens once you let the light shine in is that you can no longer lie to yourself about your part in it and your unhealthy behavior perhaps of being a victim and living in hopelessness and despair. There is no shame in where you find yourself. It is all good because when you acknowledge the darkest places, you bring in the light and open the possibility to heal and change and grow.
The strongest shrub in the one that has been planted in the sunlight and pruned and grows it stronger. The spring is upon us and sunshine and warmth draw us outdoors to move and stretch and smile and rejoice in new growth and another season of blossoming possibilities.
Use this Spring Season as your metaphor and let the light shine into all the dark crevices of your life.
Release your secrets from the shadows and bring them into the fresh air. Take a leap of faith and trust that you will be embraced, protected and healed by doing so.
If this article resonates with you and you want to but don’t know how to begin or feel paralyzed with fear, we want to help. Reach out and ask to speak to one of our coaches and we will walk you through a process to help you break out of the prison of your life circumstances and begin living a life you love.
Chief Visionary: Karen McMahon
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
