By Karen McMahon
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~Albert Einstein
There are no facts, only interpretations. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
When journeying through divorce most of us are in a mildly to highly contentious state with our soon-to-be-e (STBX). From a place filled with tension, fear and blame our view of reality is narrowed until all we can see is one perspective. Typically, that perspective does not allow for understanding, choice or personal growth. It is constricted by our tainted interpretations and judgments of our spouse’s words and actions. The resulting emotions drag us deeper into hurt and upset, which further restricts our perspective until we have spun a web that leads us into a deep and dark tunnel. We seemingly have no options and all possibility of growth and empowerment are lost.
We began our journey choosing to embrace rather than resist the turmoil that exists within our lives now. We were exposed to the practice of breathing and witnessing our thoughts and the impact those thoughts have on our feelings. We began to practice mindfulness by paying close attention to the choices we make and opening ourselves to the belief that we have the power to choose in every moment who and how we are going to be and to change if we so desire.
Moving into a deeper awareness of how we are choosing to ‘be’ during this season, we unearthed our judgments around the dissolution of our marriages. We looked at when we feel like a victim and how we choose to view other’s behaviors. We acknowledged how hard it is to take responsibility for our part and sometimes equally to not take-on responsibility that is not ours to own. What we found was that the more we judge, the deeper in heavy, painful emotions we choose to live.
We discovered that by freeing ourselves of judgment, we open the possibility to seeing the world from a wider angle…to perceive a kaleidoscope of possibilities; a panoramic view of the landscape of our circumstances. To journey from the stifling confinement of our initial perspectives to a vastly wider array of possibilities offers us immense value. We can now see options to perceive our circumstances. By widening our lens, we can now choose through which ‘frame’ we wish to see our reality.
We have arrived at a place where we can begin to learn, implement and practice daily the most powerful tool available to us, The Reframe.
Reframing is the ability to:
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Assess how we are looking at our situation,
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Witness the judgments and interpretations we are bringing to that perspective
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Decide if our perspective is serving our needs and desires
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Choose to drop our judgment and try out another perspective that might serve us better
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Stand empowered in our choice to view and respond to each and every situation that we face from a place of detachment and full responsibility for our actions.
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Empower ourselves to stretch, learn and grow in a way that will transform our lives and catapult us into the liberating emotions of forgiveness, compassion and joy.
How does this work? Let’s take a look…
Have you ever tried to assemble toys, furniture or a BBQ grill? When my kids were young I remember staying up assembling toy after toy. Bleary eyed, I could not see what was right before me. Tired and frustrated, I was certain that a screw must have been missing, that the instructions were wrong, that the manufacturer was cheap and irresponsible in packing the necessary bolts and screws. Each time, when I stepped away and gained some composure and perspective, I would find that everything I needed was right there and assembly was as straight forward (not necessarily simple) as the instructions suggested.
Reframing is the ability to know when to take a deep breath and witness what emotional baggage we bring to the situation.
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A situational Reframe: I am aggravated about my spouse being late to pick up the kids and I feel controlled (victimized) by his/her consistent lack on consideration.
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Unconscious Reaction: I get angry, fight (or sulk) and demand that s/he change and stop being so inconsiderate.
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Conscious Reframe & Response: I notice the behavior and my initial hurt and angry feelings; I acknowledge that I only have control over my own actions and come up with a Plan B. If or when my spouse shows up late, it does not effect me. I have followed my initial plan, and s/he can choose to relieve the Plan B person and take over, or not. I am enjoying myself and have not been affected by his/her actions.
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An obsessive thinking Reframe: My STBX betrayed me, stealing large amounts of funds from our mutual account.
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Unconscious Reaction: I cannot get past the betrayal and for months constantly replay events in my head trying to understand why s/he would do this and how this could have happened. I relive the moment I learned about it over and over feeling the pain and devastation again and again. I feel despair and am depressed. It is hard for me to motivate myself to take care of myself.
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Conscious Reframe and Response: I acknowledge the pain and the betrayal. I take an honest look at how we handled our finances and my level of responsibility, communication and acceptance or denial. I shift my focus to myself, how to be self-loving, what I have learned, where I would like to grow or reclaim a part of me that I had lost. With a gentle heart, I accept where I am and create a plan to shift my focus back to myself each opportunity I get.
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The Reframe gives us an opportunity to look at every situation through new eyes.
Whether you are interacting with your STBX, mother, child or boss, if you feel upset you have a tool to help you
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STOP and breath
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ASSESS your perspective
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DECIDE if it serves you
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CHOOSE to drop your judgment
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RESPOND rather than REACT in a way that honors and strengthens you
How do you think the Reframe can impact your life? Always ask yourself, “how else might I think about or look at this situations?” Chances are if you drop your judgment, you will find an array of alternatives available to you. Congratulations, you are on your way to experiencing more cooperation, acceptance and ease in your life.
Chief Visionary: Karen McMahon
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
