I was in Florida visiting my dad a few weeks ago. We were talking about his situation. He calmly said to me, ‘it is what it is, Karen’. Dad was in complete acceptance; I was not there yet.
My 6’2” barrel-chested father lie there in his hospital bed no more than skin and bones. Easy going and filled with his gentle love, dad’s endearing sense of humor and strong spirit beamed forth as he tolerated these final days of discomfort with a knowing that his time would soon come to an end. It is what it is.
Stage left, his wife, Shawn; seemingly wretched in her mentally instability, berating and manipulating dad. Intensely verbose and painfully tenacious she was to have her will her way regardless of dad’s wishes or the doctors advice. Dad responds by shutting down, acquiescing, surrendering all power and authority to his abusive, beloved wife. It is what it is.
My sisters and I struggled to protect, advocate for and take care of him. Too sick, too tired, too used to this dance that they have danced for so long, dad’s chooses to forgo his needs and wishes and give in to his wife. We stand by angry, frustrated, deeply saddened as we watch, powerless, and realize that dad has chosen this path and will leave this world the way he has lived in it. A beautiful gentle soul intimately connected to and controlled by an intensely difficult abusive soul. It is what it is.
I have come to accept that dad will leave this world under these circumstances and that that is his choice. But how do we accept not from a place of anger and frustration but rather from a place of love and non-judgment? A wise colleague, Lisa Brick, who has become very dear to my heart, showed me the way. It was a difficult and painful walk into the part of my soul that needed healing so that I could be in a place of acceptance and non-judgment as I bid farewell to my father.
Our resistance comes from judging our circumstances as bad or wrong and only prolongs our pain. When things don’t go the way we want or expect them to, we resist, refuse, reject and recoil from what is. It is like driving into a fire and hitting the brakes, consequently feeling the scorching heat and pain more intensely. While we think our pain is cause by the situation it is actually a result of our resistance, the situation simply is what it is.
Acceptance is seeing it, feeling it and choosing to move through it to get to the other side. We can accept with judgement but we will be filled with bitterness and resentment. It is in forgiving the situation or person that we can shift into understanding, compassion and ultimately a healthy acceptance of what is. Once we realize that the only way to truly get to the other side is through forgiveness and compassion, we begin to move and heal.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the thing I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~ 12 Step Serenity Prayer
Thank you for allowing me to share this experience with you. I invite you to share yours with me and my readers in the hope that we can all help each other heal and move on.
