This is a guest post by David Feder, BA, BSW, MSW, RSW
You discovered your spouse cheated and you wonder “what do I do now?”
This is a difficult time and talking with your cheating spouse may be the last thing you feel like doing. You want safety by disengaging from your spouse because engaging may feel masochistic. However, while this may be true,there are issues that will need to be resolved particularly when children are involved. Anyone who has been down this road will tell you that while it may not be easy, it is necessary to rise above your personal injury, at least temporarily. It will help your family immeasurably.
Below is a sample list that includes common “early” issues that should be considered. It is not exhaustive so feel free to add items that you consider relevant.
Individual Issues
- What do you need to help you start to heal? Is it:
- toknow the affair is over
- toknow how it ended
- toknow how contact with the affair partner will be managed
- tofeel your partner’s remorse for hurting you
- toknow your partner is receiving individual therapy
- Consider individual therapy. A therapist sensitive to issues related to infidelity can prevent mistakes that may cause future collateral damage, particularly for your children. Your therapist will act as a guide throughout your recovery, helping you:
- understand why the affair happened
- set and achieve goals
- process your emotions and
- learn to communicate more efficiently
- Choosing supports. The best support person listens while helping you determine the direction and solutions that work for you. The worst support is someone who, no matter how well-meaning, tells you what to do. How would they know anyway? They are not you.
This is critical. Especially if you choose to stay with your partner and work toward resolving issues that left your relationship vulnerable to the affair. Both of you will want to feel comfortable around people in your life and not selecting your supports carefully can create future problems.
- Consider joining a support group that is offered by a professional. Group members are a great support since they have had experiences similar to yours.
Couple Issues
- Agree on how and what to tell your children. It may be hard to remember or to care, but your children were produced by both of you and not by you alone. It is likely that in spite of the affair, they will want to have a relationship with both of you. Your children should not be part of your support system. It is critical that you avoid trying to get your children to take sides. It will only hurt them.
- If you and your spouse stay together,should a “planned separation” be considered. Planned separations are indicated when emotions are high,leading to verbal exchanges that may cause further destruction and pain in the relationship. If either of you is not in control and there is a potential for physical violence or injury, a planned separation is probably indicated. You do not want to make the situation worse by someone getting hurt.
- Is it possible for child care arrangements/schedules to remain the same as before the affair was discovered? Carpooling, after school activities, play dates, medical/dental appointments, exchanging important child related information, etc. It is in your child’s best interest to have as few changes as possible. Your children do better when their life changes the least.
- If separation is chosen, even temporarily, what is the best and least disruptive way to manage expenses during this immediate crisis? There is enough confusion to deal with, so considering who pays the bills, how bills will be divided, where everyone will live, etc.is important.
- You and your spouse may want to talk with family and/or friends and if you do exercise caution. You both should reach an agreement onwho is OK to talk with and who should be avoided. You may feel that your cheating spouse is the last person who has a right to tell you who to speak with. Ignore this and try to work with your partner. It can reap huge dividends in the future,particularly should you decide to stay together.
Your support system should provide you with support, helping you todecide on your own about your future. You do not want to your support system taking sides. It only creates more confusion.
- At some point the two of you may decide to work towards repairing your relationship. Choose your therapist together and carefully, ensuring he/she is trained in treating infidelity.
This list represents a starting point for you to consider and I hope you find it helpful. It may be helpful to have the support and guidance of a therapist. Working through items likes these and more will help provide structure during a chaotic time.
I am the founder of My Life After an Affair and passionate about helping people recover from infidelity. Everyone will recover from infidelity, the question is HOW? Not everyone will want to stay together after an affair but by following my model named VISION, people are able to make a choice that is right for them. VISION acts as a road map that helps you day by day, grow towards the goal of becoming the person you always wanted to be regardless of whether you stay in your relationship, or decide to separate. I can help you believe in yourself and your future again!
