By Karen Basmagy
My marriage, like so many others, had floundered for years. Alternating between trying to work on the relationship and then falling back into those comfortable dysfunctional places, I would become so discontent that in my struggle for a solution, I would read yet another self-help book to try to understand why I just couldn’t make the damn thing work. What was I missing? Where was I falling short?
Of course hindsight is always 20/20, but at that time my over-responsible nature (from which I am now recovering) had me taking on the never-ending “marriage project” single-handedly. It sucked the life out of me. I call it my “Cartwheel Phase”. I thought if I could just do one more back flip…one more cartwheel…I could make the marriage everything it needed to be for us to be happy.
What a revelation to finally understand and discover that it was never my sole responsibility to come up with the solution in the first place. That if my ex had put in even half the effort I put in to look inside himself we might still be married today…and happily at that.
The problem, I ultimately realized after decades of struggle, was that we just looked at marriage very differently, and it was not my job to make him see it my way. He seemed pretty comfortable with the status quo, and nothing I was going to do or say seemed to make enough of a difference to create lasting change. We couldn’t fix things unless there was a shared vision of how we wanted the marriage to look and feel.
In the end what it came down to was us both trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. We came from two very different families, and each looked at marriage in its’ own unique way. In order for us to stay together, we had to span such an incredible chasm of familial differences that unless we were both wholeheartedly on board to work through and change, it would be virtually impossible to overcome.
On top of that was my ex’s untreated and unacknowledged bipolar disorder. Coming to accept the limits of our 25 year relationship, I plunged into the deep dark depths of unraveling a life together that was so long and rich with history. To say it was painful would be an incredible understatement.
Letting go of the taking complete responsibility for the failure of the marital relationship is an important part of the recovery process. Owning your part in the failure is equally as important. Acknowledging certain aspects of the relationship you were powerless to change will have a profound affect on how you go through this difficult time your life. As you learn to accept, you take the weight off your shoulders and begin to look at the things you can change within yourself and your life. You can go forward with integrity and stand in your truth and power.
Take a moment to reflect on the Serenity Prayer and how it relates to your life right now:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Coach: Karen Basmagy
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
