By Lisa Brick
It is during agonizing and challenging times that the support of others is the most necessary and appreciated, and often the most difficult to find. It is painful enough to lose a spouse but to find those who you considered pals and confidants MIA (missing in action) on top of everything else is emotional double jeopardy. What happens to friends and family that you thought you could count on for support? Why do intimates who have been there for socializing, celebrations, fun, and funerals disappear when your road gets rough?
It is not unusual for someone who was the rock solid support for others to discover it the hardest to find support for himself. When a severe financial, emotional or medical situation hits, even the most stable individual can find herself crumbling, in need of support and resented for it.
We’re Just Fine
Many people pretend that their lives are “just fine thank you” when in fact there are numerous incompletions, complaints, and disappointments. Maintaining pretense demands consistent effort, both physical and psychological. Depending upon the level of pretense, the effort can be exhausting and the ability to maintain fragile. It’s a front that is not only up when others are around, it’s maintained when alone. It is often maintained through the use of substances like drugs, alcohol, tobacco use, overeating, and behaviors like compulsive shopping, gambling, achieving, exercising, pornography, TV watching, etc. The individual’s sense of self can be dependent upon maintaining this pretense. Individuals living like this are unable to have their pretense threatened if they are to maintain their precarious comfort level. Your situation and the stress and upset you are experiencing threatens to open their Pandora’s box of disquietude. They can’t be there for you, especially when you really need them!
If you have a spouse, family members, friends, and associates who counted on you for their stability and you have a crisis, after a short while they will resent you for adding a stressor to their already shaky world and, if they are unstable enough, will need to abandon you to keep their fragile hold on things. Where you thought that you were the failure it may be that while you are having a challenging time, they are failing you in order maintain a facade without which they fall apart.
Feeling Abandoned
It’s an awful, lonely feeling to be abandoned, especially when in need. If you’ve lost friends, family members, or a spouse in similar situations you’re learning a difficult lesson about the people you’ve chosen to be in your inner circle.
Shame, the painful feeling of humiliation or distress, is an unfortunate and unproductive place to go when life has dealt you a difficult hand to play, one that you are at a temporary loss of playing well. There is a story that “no one likes a needy person”. This may be so yet a normally independent and responsible human being in crisis is a “person in need”, a far cry from a “needy person”. Only you can tell if you are a needy person or a person in need. Whichever you are, now is a time for gentleness and loving kindness towards yourself, and a new support system! Contacting us for coaching and taking advantage of our Complimentary Coaching Call is a great way to begin anew.
As you recover and rebuild yourself and your life, if you allow yourself to show up as a human being who is strong yet vulnerable, highly functional yet capable of occasional overwhelm, individuals who excel at receiving but are incapable of giving will self-select out. This time around it is preferable to know sooner than later. The individuals who have stayed by you are golden. Congratulations for having them in your life.
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Lisa Brick, Journey Beyond Partner
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
