By Karen Basmagy
Easier said than done for many, maintaining a mature co-parenting relationship with your ex may be your greatest challenge as you seek to rebuild and redefine your life post-marriage. Emotions may still be running high for a very long time for one or both of you. It is imperative that you deal with the emotional demons surrounding your divorce in order to be the parent your child needs you to be. Though you can’t control the behavior of your ex, you can control your own and model what it truly means to be a “Grown-Up’. And by the way, being a grown-up also includes not pointing out how immature your ex’s behavior is. Your child will figure that out on his own as he grows and matures.
Redefine Your Relationship to Your Ex or Soon-to-Be Ex
Putting your emotions towards you ex aside when communicating child related issues will be a critical skill to learn as you seek to develop a more neutral business-like parenting partnership. It can be difficult if one party is not willing to do this, but you can still take the high road and keep trying to be the grown-up your child needs you to be, despite what may be coming at you from your ex. Try to think of your relationship like any other business partnership. Although it would be wonderful for your children for mom and dad to be friends, it may not be possible, or even desired by one or both parties. Many business partners maintain a successful professional relationship that never develops into a friendship per se.
Stay on the High Road
Resist the temptation to engage in heated conversations by catching and asking yourself the following question, “Is this conversation bringing us closer to a common goal of resolving an issue for our child?” If not, then shift the conversation back to what the goal is or take a break and approach it from a different angle. Never argue in front of or within earshot of your child!.
Think win/win not win/lose. If someone feels they have lost something in the conversation then it has not been resolved in a positive fashion and it will come up again in the future. Even if you don’t initially get the end result you envisioned, you have demonstrated to your child that you are keeping his best interests at heart. I can’t stress enough how important it is to maintain a grown-up attitude during these conversations!
Allow Your Child the Freedom to Love the Other Parent
Understand and accept that your child has a unique relationship with your ex. Don’t interfere with the child’s ability to spend time with his/her other parent (unless there is a very real reason to suspect emotional, physical or sexual abuse of course). Don’t interfere with their time together.
Parenting styles may be very different and you may have to stretch yourself to allow room for that. As the primary caregiver for all of my children while I was married, giving up this control was challenging for me post-divorce. Work at it and give your ex the same respect that you would like. Choose your parenting battles wisely. Your children will adapt to the different styles better than you think.
Develop Long Term Thinking
Think, “How will the interaction I have today with my ex impact my child today and in the future?” So many adult children are still feeling the negative emotional effects of their parents’ divorce. Like walking wounded, many still carry the scars of the damage done by negative campaigns by one or both parents towards the other. You owe it to them to create a space where they can flourish while working through the fallout of the divorce. Demonstrating what it means to be a real, honest-to-goodness “Grown-Up” will provide the best chance for creating and sustaining effective personal, romantic, and business relationships as they go out in the world as adults.
“You must be the change you want to see”.
~ Gandhi
…Your children’s future depends on it.
One final thought…this is a process, don’t beat yourself up if you slip into behavior you aren’t proud of. Learn from it, own it, pick yourself up apologize to your child and then start over. If you need assistance in developing this life skill there are many resources out there. A valuable and comprehensive look at co-parenting can be found in Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce by M. Gary Neuman.
Coach: Karen Basmagy
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
