By: Karen McMahon
If you are a divorcing parent, the best advice is to put differences aside, the kids first and co-parent in a healthy cooperative manner. It makes sense…most of the time. Yet if your ex is abusive, an active addict or living with a personality disorder, you may be dealing with more confrontation than cooperation; more insanity than reason.
How do you help your children when they face disappointment, abusive behavior or frustration with an unhealthy parent?
You have a choice to make. You can focus on why mom or dad is wrong or bad, or you can focus on the lessons intrinsic in the difficult experiences. The former is a problem-oriented approach and will leave your children disempowered and stuck in a dead-end story. The latter is a solution-oriented approach and enables you to help your children focus on and be empowered to create what they desire.
Concentrate NOT on their parent’s behavior but rather on the opportunity that your child’s struggle presents.
Begin by acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings. Let them share completely their fears, anger and pain. Then shift the focus to how they can utilize the upsetting situation to learn about themselves and how to navigate difficult personalities. By approaching every upset this way, you honor your desire to take the high road with your ex, respect your child’s natural connect to their parent and reshape a problem into possibility.
My son would sometimes come home from his dad’s house crushed by his dad’s hurtful words. He would have heard that he was a useless loser and how disgusted his father was over him. It was heart breaking to see my son so deflated. Yes, my ‘momma bear’ would rear its head and I would want to protect my son from his dad. But after my initial ‘reaction’, a calmer head would prevail…the golden nugget was always the opportunities hidden in my children’s pain. My son would begin with what a lousy dad his dad is…what kind of a father would talk to his son that way??? (Wise words for you a young man.)
I would let him talk, feel and cry. I would acknowledge the hurt without feeding into the story that dad is a bad guy. Nor would I defend his dad. Rather, I would gently take the focus off dad and onto the lesson.
- How did it feel to be spoken to that way? Did he believe any of those words were true?
- How would he have handled the situation differently if he was the dad?
- When you need _______(support, advice, a man’s perspective, etc), where else can you turn? Who in your life is a safe and healthy male?
- And ultimately, what have you learned about the kind of father you want to be?
- How do you handle your anger and what have you learned by being on the receiving end of someone’s hurtful words?
I often teach my children sayings that I learned while in Alanon, a 12 Step Program with sayings that are quick and simple reminders to keep us on track. Here are a few:
Don’t go to the hardware store for bread!
(Don’t expect emotional support from someone who has continually proven unable to provide it)
Say what you mean but don’t say it mean
(Speak your truth, gently and with kindness)
Keep your side of the street clean
(Focus on your behavior and what you have to learn and leave the other person’s to them)
How important is it?
(Is whatever is upsetting you in this moment going to be as important tomorrow or next week? If so, address it. If not, count to 100 or put yourself in a 24-hour bubble before acting)
Take what you like and leave the rest
Focus on the positive and embrace it. Let go of that which does not work for you, set boundaries and let it go.
There are many more sayings. My kids now share them with their friends.
Their dad has a personality disorder. He loves them dearly (and I tell them that every time they get hurt). He has also proven to be unable to be in a healthy relationship.
Instead of feeding into my children’s potential ‘victim mentality’, which would not benefit them at all, I choose to use every crisis as an opportunity to teach them a new level of awareness, emotional maturity and ultimately, compassion for their dad’s limitations.
It is not easy but the payoff is priceless.
If I knew a fraction of what my children now know, at ages 16 and 18 years old, my life would have unfolded quite differently. Use every upset to teach your children emotional awareness, the importance of setting boundaries, how to communicate their truth regardless of the other person’s reaction…teach them everything you have and are learning as you navigate divorce.
It will be the greatest gift you can give them!
Chief Visionary: Karen McMahon
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
