By Dr. Dan Thomason – Guest Blogger
Couples who can solve problems
and resolve conflict in their relationship
typically grow closer,
have great respect for each other,
and report high levels of satisfaction in their relationship.
I’ve never had a couple come into my office and say, “We can solve problems and resolve conflict in our relationship just fine; it’s everything else that doesn’t work!” In my work with couples over the past twenty-five years, I’ve noticed one big difference in how men and women process information and emotions. There are always exceptions to the rule, but generally speaking, men process information and emotions internally, while women process information and emotions externally.
It’s very important to note that whether you are wired to process internally or externally, both processing styles are equally effective. One is not better than the other.
* Internal processors tend to get falsely judged by being perceived as distant, cool, aloof, and uncaring.
* External processors get falsely judged by being perceived as critical, negative, nagging, and bitchy.
Now, let’s think about this for a minute—it actually makes sense. If a person is an Internal Processor, they need to keep their mouth closed—keep quiet—in order to process information and their emotions. The fact that they are not talking during a conflict makes it appear as though they don’t care. This is actually not the case. But people who are not internal processors don’t understand this and become rather judgmental.
Now the opposite is true for the External Processor. They need to hear themselves talk—think out loud—in order to process information, and their emotions. More specifically, they need to process their distressing emotions, which make them come across as negative and critical. Those who are not external processors don’t understand why there is so much focus on the negative, and this can feel to others like the person doesn’t want to even try to solve the problem. But, again, this is not the case.
The uneven playing field:
When couples fall on opposite ends of this Internal Processors/External Processor continuum, problem-solving conversations can be a real challenge. The Internal Processor speaks like a video buffers on a computer. They say a sentence or two and then they stop and process a little more. The External Processor interprets this pause as an opportunity to talk without interrupting. The problem is that the Internal Processor hasn’t finished their thought, and now they’re expected to listen and take in more information; and, typically a lot more information, since the External Processor thinks out loud and goes into several different topics. Once the Internal Processor gets overwhelmed with information to keep track of, the emotions come out and it’s often frustration and anger. In addition, once the External Processor interprets the internal processor has shut down, the emotions come out and it’s also frustration and anger. Then if you add up this type of dynamic over and over in a relationship, the layers of resentment get very deep.
Evening the playing field:
It’s important to understand that every conversation boils down to two basic components: content and structure. The content is the topic or subject being discussed, with all the details. For our purposes, it’s the problem or conflict being discussed. The structure of the conversation is how you have the conversation, or the rules for having the conversation. This is important to understand, because it is the foundation upon which I built the Structured Conversation tool. I have been using this conversation tool with couples for many years, and it is very effective when used correctly and consistently. Without realizing it, we go into every conversation with a set of unspoken rules for our conduct. Following these rules is how we show the other person respect. Following the rules feels respectful, while breaking the rules feels disrespectful.
Internal Processors and External Processors have different set of rules for having a respectful conversation. The Structured Conversation tool, tells both of them what the rules are going to be which gets them on the same page, and evens the playing field. For the benefit of those who have read this entire blog, I am including the Structured Conversation tool on the following pages. The processing styles I’ve just presented are just one of the points I make in my eBook “He’s Right, She’s Right A Blueprint for Problem-Solving Conversations. If you would like to read the entire eBook, follow this link to the Kindle Store, and if you know anyone that would like to work with me directly, please send them to my website at DrDanThomason.com.
Structured Conversation
If you are reading this handout, the assumption is you have already been introduced to all of the preceding elements of problem solving conversations. If you have not, then this tool will not make nearly as much sense to you, and it is highly recommended you become educated in those elements before trying to use this tool. Thank You, and Best Wishes as you give this tool a test drive. Remember, keep expectations low, focus more on successfully following the rules of the tool, and keep in mind the elements of problem solving conversations.
Rule #1: Use this Structured Conversation Tool whenever you are having a conversation and it takes an unexpected negative emotional turn or when you are going to have a conversation about a topic that has a track record of leading to conflict. When implementing the tool after a conversation takes an unexpected negative emotional turn, walk away from the conversation for at least five minutes, or until the next time you are able to follow all the rules of a Structured Conversation.
Rule #2: Make sure you have a setting for your Structured Conversation where there are no distractions, and are not likely to be any for the duration of the conversation.
Rule #3: Gather together all the materials you will need during the Structured Conversation, specifically a timer, two pieces of paper, and two writing instruments. Remember, the paper and writing utensil is not to take notes of what the other person is saying, rather, it is to quickly write something that you want to say when it is your turn to talk, because trying to remember something makes effective listening very difficult.
Rule #4: Pre-determine how long the overall conversation will be, usually between 20 and 40 minutes. Try not to plan the conversation for more that sixty minutes, especially when you are first starting to use the Structured Conversation Tool. After sixty minutes, people start to experience emotional fatigue and need a break in order to increase the chances of being successful.
Rule #5: Pre-determine how long each person will have when it is their turn to talk. For a more dialogue style conversation, choose thirty to forty-five seconds. For a monologue style conversation, where each person has an opportunity to share many thoughts and feelings, choose one to two minutes.
Rule #6: Decide who will go first, typically the person who suggested the Structured Conversation would go first, but that is not necessary if the other person would like to start and the person suggesting the conversation doesn’t mind. If neither person wants to start or if both people want to start, then it is best to flip a coin in order to avoid triggering a conflict.
Rule #7: Once the conversation gets to the point where the information seems to be repeating, either person must remember to say, “OK, it seems like we have shared the way we feel and what we think about this, so what do you suggest we do about it?” This is meant to trigger proposals, which can then be negotiated. Remember some type of compromises often required in successful negotiations.
Rule #8: When the final timer has sounded and the Structured Conversation is over according to the predetermined time, both people should be separate from each other for at least thirty minutes. This is designed to give each person time to reflect on the conversation and intentionally try to identify as many positives from the conversation as they possibly can. This is also to prevent a spontaneous unstructured conversation from starting up. Spontaneous unstructured conversations regarding problem areas in a relationship can be damaging. You are encouraged to become very skillful with this tool before trying to engage in unstructured problem solving conversations.
With time and practice, you and your partner will learn to trust in the process of a successful problem solving conversation. You will be able to eliminate the use of a timer and the paper and pen. You will be able to have these conversations on-the-fly. The skills and elements of problem solving conversions will become part of you and your relationship. I remind couples to shoot for perfection so they never stop improving, while remembering that temporary failures are to be expected. By putting in the time and effort to master these skills, you have set your relationship on course for a very strong and happy future. Congratulations! And Best Wishes!
