By Karen McMahon
Shifting out of Frustration and Struggle
Divorce is a battle ground and if you are here, then there is not much love lost between you and your soon-to-be ex. Frustration and struggle are bound to be part of your life. Everyone in this situation experiences it, the question is how much frustration and struggle do you experience and can you control it?
I have a saying for divorce, ‘Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional’. To expect no pain, no frustration nor angst nor struggle is unrealistic…if there is none, then one could ask, why the divorce? But an equally good question is why do some people move through divorce with more grace and calm than others? The answer lies in the choices you make.
You spouse may be a liar, cheat, manipulator, alcoholic, addict, obsessive spender, gambler, over worker, abuser, thief, emotionally unavailable or any combination of the above. Anyone of these individuals would be difficult to deal with. But what is your part in producing suffering rather than momentary pain?
1. Living in the past does not benefit you.
Do you reside in the latest argument or conflict? Once a situation has happened and past, how often do you continue to think about it, ruminate over the argument, debating your ex in your head long after he or she has left? What is the value in staying focused on a negative experience? Does it make you feel better or worse?
2. Your thoughts affect your feelings.
When you feel sad, angry, frustrated, lonely, upset, and guilty, stop and witness your thoughts. You will see that your feelings are a direct result of what you think. For example when you replay the last argument over and over again in your head, you continue to feel the same angst as you felt during the argument. The only thing is the argument is over. You are choosing to suffer!
3. Your feelings affect your actions.
If you feel angry, resentful or hopeless, how do you think you will act? You may begin to do poorly at work, lose customers, snap at your children, eat more, and sleep more and many other things that only make your situation worse. Now your suffering increases!
How do you keep the pain to a minimum, avoid the suffering and begin to take control of your emotions back?
1. Stay in the present moment.
After a meeting with your lawyer, an argument with your spouse, an upsetting call about your situation, shift your attention to the present moment and take care of yourself with a brisk walk, a call to a friend, watching a good movie or reading a book, cleaning the house…whatever works for you.
2. Witness your thoughts.
Watch where your mind goes. At first, you will go right back onto the merry-go-round of angst. But once you begin to become conscious of your thoughts and the negative feelings that follow, you will be able to shift to something else. I often suggest envisioning a big red stop sign in your mind’s eye as soon as you realize what you are focusing on.
People ask, what should I think about, everything just stinks these days! Put a list together of things you are grateful for; create a bucket list with some small doable things that will make you happy; have a friend to reach out to who can talk you down off the proverbial ledge.
3. Change your thoughts / change your actions.
Now that you are aware of where your mind is going and can begin to harness that energy and control your thoughts, you will see that you canlikewise change your actions. If you are feeling grateful or excited about a plan you have made, you will be healthier in how you navigate your day. You will likewise be more productive and effective at work once you shift your focus away from harping on the last negative conversation or situation that took place.
Share your thoughts, questions and comments. How do you shift out of frustration and struggle?
Chief Visionary: Karen McMahon
Our team of coaches at JBD is passionate about helping men and women navigate the emotional difficulties of relationships, breakups and divorce. We work together with you to open the possibility that your current relationship challenges can lead to a rewarding voyage of self-discovery and an immensely more pleasing life experience. Together we create a path to clarity. Find out if Coaching is right for you, and accept my gift of one FREE session.
